


Untouchable (please break down my walls)

by baevenreyes



Series: Trampoline Park AU [27]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lena-centric, Pre-Relationship, idk - Freeform, some fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 15:18:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11084322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baevenreyes/pseuds/baevenreyes
Summary: Lena mentally shakes herself. This has been happening more and more frequently, this being that she gets distracted by Kara – the way Kara looks, the way she talks, just the way she is. And usually, Lena would try to get to the bottom of something like this, try to figure out why it’s happening, but… but she’s a little terrified of what it might mean.orLena's realizing some scary stuff.





	Untouchable (please break down my walls)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> So this one's very close to my heart - I heavily modeled Lena's realization process on my own, so a lot of the thoughts she's having are straight from my journals from when I was questioning.
> 
> It takes place probably a few months after Tell Me Why :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Leave it to Kara Danvers to be both distract _ed_ and distract _ing._

They’re supposed to be doing their science homework, well, correction: Lena is supposed to be helping Kara with her science homework, because Lena Luthor, who has been reading Alex’s advanced physics books since she could (i.e.: when she was eight), has _definitely_ done her homework already. She’s really only here because it’s much easier to get her mother to agree to her tutoring Kara than going over to her house just to hang out. And, yeah, it’s mostly a cover so she can spend as much time at the Danvers’ as possible, but that doesn’t mean she’s _not_ going to help her friend.

So, they’re supposed to be working.

But currently?

Currently, Kara is gushing about Jimmy – James, as he’s been asking them to start calling him – Kara is gushing about James and some cute thing he supposedly said. Lena’s not really listening. She’s a little captivated by the way Kara moves her hands while she talks, by the way she lights up, by the way she smiles slightly crooked, and –

Lena mentally shakes herself. This has been happening more and more frequently, _this_ being that she gets distracted by Kara – the way Kara looks, the way she talks, just the way she _is._ And usually, Lena would try to get to the bottom of something like this, try to figure out why it’s happening, but… but she’s a little terrified of what it might mean. Like, she’s observant – she’s noticed the way she feels around Kara, the way she feels when she sees certain actresses on screen, the way her heart stutters a bit when Maggie and Alex kiss. She’s just – she’s refusing to think about it any more than that. That’s just… That’s way too terrifying. What it probably means.

Anyway. Back to the object of her distraction.

“Kara?”

“… and then he- yeah?”

“You know I’m always here to listen to you, but we really should be getting back to work, uhm. When this is done we can spend the rest of the day chilling and gossiping and whatever, I just think we should finish this first?”

Kara grins at her, and Lena tries very hard to ignore the way her heart skips a beat.

“Of course, I’m sorry. You’re so responsible, Lee, jeez. I wish some of that would rub off on me.”

“Well, it’s been like six years, Kar. If it hasn’t happened yet, I don’t think it will.”

Lena manages to smirk mischievously at her best friend, and when Kara playfully slaps her arm before picking up her pencil again, biting the back end as she looks at Lena. Lena tries not to notice the way her breath hitches.

“Good thing I have you to keep me on the right track then, huh?”

Lena grins. It’s been over six years and still, some days, she can’t believe she’s best friends with Kara Danvers. She can’t believe Kara picked _her,_ of all people. Kara gives her a cheeky, tongue-tipped smile, and _can her beating heart get the message that she’s ignoring the way that makes her feel, please?_

“It’s also good I have you to explain Newton’s laws to me, because I can’t understand a word of this. You’re probably smarter than him, anyway.”

“Oh my god, Kara, please never insult Isaac Newton in front of me again.”

And just like that, everything’s back to normal, and the ignoring gets ten times easier.

“I’m not insulting _him,_ I’m complimenting _you._ ”

Lena blushes and shakes her head. This girl.

“Whatever. Okay, so the first law basically states that anything that’s in a state of rest…”

She continues to explain Newton’s laws to Kara for the next hour, and for the next hour she manages to forget the way Kara’s presence makes her feel. She manages to ignore the way she feels when Kara looks at her, when Kara’s fingers brush her arm in thanks, the way she can’t really breathe anymore when Kara hugs her just a little too long.

She convinces herself that it’s nothing.

That it’ll go away.

She refuses to think about it any more than that.

***

Lena likes James, she really does. He’s a great friend and a cool guy, like, he defends her and Winn from bullies all the time. He’s much more mature than most of the boys in their class, so really, he’s great as far as boys go.

(She ignores the voice in her head that’s been whispering more and more that girls are just so much _better_ than boys, so much nicer, so much softer, so much _prettier._ It’s getting harder and harder to ignore it, and – no. She refuses to think about what it means, even though she knows the second she does she’s going to know. If she doesn’t know already.

She’s pretty sure she does.

Shutting off a part of your brain is exhausting.)

So yeah, James is cool, she doesn’t have anything against him. She likes him, even.

But _god,_ Kara’s crush on him is annoying.

Her whole body goes against thinking of _anything_ Kara does as annoying, and it’s getting harder and harder to ignore why that is, but – ugh, this crush on James. It seems like it’s all Kara talks about lately. When she’s not gushing about him or something he does, she’s wondering aloud if he maybe likes her too, and if it’s not that she’s looking longingly in his direction, or texting him.

Lena’s sick of it.

Not enough for her to stop hanging out with Kara, hell, not even enough to diminish the time they spend together. And okay, there’s probably nothing in the universe that could ever stop her from hanging out with Kara – God knows her mother has tried – but still. It’s annoying, and it makes an ugly feeling coil in Lena’s stomach, and she isn’t able to ignore what it is anymore.

It’s jealousy.

Real, proper, ugly, green-eyed-monster jealousy.

_But_ she manages to convince herself that she’s just jealous because Kara is her best friend and lately all their interactions are James-this and James-that. Lena just wants her Kara back, the one she talked to about the stars and the one who watched all the Disney movies with her because Lena never got to see them as a kid, except when she was at Kara’s. She just wants her best friend back, not this pre-teen crushing mess.

It’s not about James, and it’s not about her. Lena doesn’t want Kara crushing on _anyone,_ because she doesn’t want their friendship to be like it is now. She just misses the way it was, okay? And there is this little niggling thought that _if_ Kara and James get together, Kara’s going to be spending all her free time with him and not with Lena, and is it really so bad of her to not want that? She just wants her best friend to be _hers._

Not like _that,_ but. Hers.

(The voice in her head scoffs.)

***

Alex is amused. Slightly confused, but amused nonetheless.

Her and Maggie are babysitting – though Kara would object to that word – Kara and Lena, who’s sleeping over, while their parents are out on date night. It’s Friday, so they’re waiting for the pizza guy to bring their order, watching a movie. It’s Tangled, tonight, because Kara loves the music and Lena loves that fucking horse.

Alex and Maggie are cuddled up at one end of the couch, so close Maggie’s practically on her lap, and she’s got her arms wrapped around her girlfriend’s waist, periodically pressing kisses to any skin she can reach. The back of her neck, on top of her shoulder where her shirt fell down, the juncture of her shoulder and neck. She’s still a little overwhelmed by how much Maggie loves her – she still can’t believe Maggie moved to Midvale for her, for nights like this, where they get to hang out with her little sister and her best friend. She kisses the back of Maggie’s neck again, and Maggie turns slightly to press a kiss to her lips.

It brings a smile to her face, involuntarily, and when she opens her eyes she sees Lena watching them. That’s what’s confusing her - it’s not the firsts time tonight she’s caught the twelve-year-old watching them kiss, and there shouldn’t be anything weird about it – they’ve always been open with their PDA, even around the kids, though they kept it PG. But there’s something different in Lena’s eyes tonight, something strikingly resembling longing, or curiosity. Lena looks away when she catches Alex’s eye, blushing slightly in the light of the TV.

Yup, there’s definitely something there.

She takes another look at her sister and her friend, noticing that they’re almost as cuddled up as she and Maggie are. As she watches, Kara lies down, her head in Lena’s lap, and Lena absentmindedly begins threading her fingers through Kara’s hair. Kara’s eyes close for a second, a content smile stretching across her face. Lena looks down at her sister with so much affection that Alex feels like she’s intruding, watching this moment.

And that’s what’s amusing her – if she didn’t know that Kara’s currently crushing hard on Jimmy Olsen, she’d think there was something going on between these two. And now? Well, she’s pretty sure at least Lena is struggling with feelings.

Her amusement gives way to concern when she sees Lena close her eyes for a long moment, shaking her head slightly, remove her hand from Kara’s hair and return her attention to the movie, a blank expression on her face. She can almost hear the girl’s internal monologue.

_Stop looking at her like that._

_That’s not how people look at their friends._

_I’m… I’m not, I’m not… that._

_I’m not feeling anything, these are normal friend feelings, this doesn’t mean anything._

Alex can remember her own denial phase very well, back in college, when she and Piper first became friends. She can’t imagine going through that at the tender age of twelve.

But she knows someone who does.

She looks down at Maggie to find her watching the two girls as well, her brow furrowed, and she knows her girlfriend came to the same conclusion. She can’t help a small smile at the thought of how in sync they are. Maggie’s always had a soft spot for Lena, Alex thinks it has to do with their families being so similar, even though Maggie’s is doing much better now, and the Luthors are probably beyond any kind of redemption, but still – Maggie’s definitely the one for Lena to talk to if she’s feeling unsure.

Alex leans down to whisper in Maggie’s ear.

“When the pizza comes, I’ll take Kara with me to get it and some plates, you talk to Lena? It looks like she’s dealing with something.”

Maggie nods, snuggling closer. “I love you, you know that?”

“Hm. You do tend to tell me quite a bit.”

“Because it’s true, Danvers.”

“I love you, too.”

“Hey!” Kara says from the other side of the couch. “What are you two whispering about?”

The doorbell saves Alex from having to answer – even though her answer would have just been _girlfriend stuff, kid_ – and she stands up.

“C’mon, Kara, let’s go get the pizza and dish it up for our guests.”

Kara snuggles deeper into Lena’s lap, and Alex sees the other girl’s ears turn red. “But I wanna snuggle with Lee.”

Lena’s cheeks turn the same colour as her ears.

_This poor girl._

“Kara, this is our home, the least we can do is feed our guests.”

“You don’t even live here anymore.”

“You wanna do it alone?”

The doorbell rings again and Kara practically flies to the front door, and Alex heads after her with a pointed look at Maggie.

***

Maggie scoots over closer to Lena, not quite touching, and smiles when the younger girl looks up.

“Hey, Lena,” Maggie says, and Lena panics, because Maggie’s voice is caring, and concerned, and _shit_ how does she know? Does Alex know? God, does _Kara_ know? Is she really that obvious? She hasn’t even admitted it to _herself_ yet, how the hell does Maggie know? Maggie continues talking as Lena tries to get a handle on her breathing.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I can tell something’s wrong, and I just want you to know that I’m here if you need me.”

Lena tries to regulate her breathing, tries to get her heart to slow down, tries to get her brain to shut _up._ But this… this is _Maggie._ If she can’t talk to Maggie about this, who can she talk to? Alex won’t work, Kara also not for obvious reasons, but Maggie? She’s always felt extra safe with Maggie for some reason. Maybe she can… not tell her, necessarily. Maybe just… ask some questions? Yeah, try to figure some stuff out.

“I, uh, I think… how – how did you know you, you know, uh, liked girls?”

_Whoa, just getting right into it, huh, Luthor?_ There’s no way Maggie isn’t going to see right through her. And Maggie does, but Maggie’s eyes go softer than she’s ever seen them unless they’re directed at Alex. She keeps her eyes locked with Lena’s, reassuring her, but relaxes her posture and leans back against the couch. Lena feels herself relax as well, almost automatically, and she doesn’t think she’s ever been this thankful for Maggie.

“Well,” Maggie says, a soft smile on her face. “At one point, it just got really hard to ignore the signs, you know? The way my heart would lose its sh- lose its mind around certain girls, the way I felt when watching women’s soccer, the way I never thought about boys the way other girls did. So yeah, to put it plainly, it got too hard to ignore the way I felt, especially around this one girl. I knew for sure when I was twelve.”

Maggie shrugs, and Lena loves how nonchalant she’s being. It’s that, how chilled Maggie is about this whole thing, that ultimately gives Lena the courage to say what she says next.

“Yeah, I, uh. It is – it is really hard. The, uh, ignoring.”

Maggie smiles at her softly, her dimples showing, and Lena feels tears well up in her eyes. Maggie softly pushes a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“Thank you for trusting me. I’m really proud of you, Lena.”

“Even though – even though I can’t say… it… yet?”

A tear falls as she says it. She hasn’t even been able to _think_ it, too afraid that if she opened that door she wouldn’t be able to close it again.

“Lena, sweetie, you are _so_ brave, okay? I know now scary this is, and it’s totally fine if you’re not ready to give it a name. Just know that I’m here for you, okay? I’ve got your back, and this stays between us until you tell me otherwise.”

“Not even Alex?”

“Not even Alex. This is your story to tell, sweetie, no one else’s, okay?”

“Okay. Because what if it’s just… like, a phase, or, like… what if it’s not real?”

She looks at Maggie with big eyes, because who is she kidding, this isn’t a phase. This is her life now, now. Maggie smiles softly, like she understands.

“It’s real. You’re real, okay, and you deserve to have a real, full, happy life,” Maggie says, taking Lena’s hands, running her thumbs across the tops of her hands, and the gesture is unbelievably soothing, even though the words coming out of her mouth are both intimidating and extremely validating. Still really, really scary, though.

“And I promise you,” Maggie says, her eyes growing serious and her hands squeezing Lena’s, “I _promise_ you that you’re going to be alright.”

Lena falls into Maggie’s hug, burying her face in her shoulder and gripping the back of her shirt. Maggie grounds her, rubbing her back softly, and Lena feels herself relax. She doesn’t understand how Maggie can make her feel so damn _safe,_ it’s like she’s magic or something.

“Thank you, Maggie.”

“Always, Lena, I’m here for you, okay?”

“Pizza time!” Kara comes into the living room carrying two plates piled high with pizza, and Maggie moves back to her end of the couch so Kara can plop down next to Lena, handing her a plate with a megawatt smile.

“Here you go, Lee, your super gross mushroom and sundried tomatoes pizza, if you can even still call it pizza if it’s this healthy.”

“Hey!” Maggie says, just as Alex sits down next to her, handing her a plate, also piled high with the so-called healthy pizza. Alex scrunches up her nose, even as she snuggles close to Maggie again.

“I think I’m with Kara on this one, babe, sorry, you just can’t do pizza like that!”

“Uh, you and Kara like _Hawaiian,_ babe, I don’t think you can talk.”

As the two continue bickering, Lena allows herself to revel in the warmth of Kara next to her, in the – good, despite what the Danvers sisters say – pizza, in the funny movie, the whole _family_ vibe. She’s still not used to it, sometimes.

And she allows herself to feel loved, just for a moment.

She allows herself to believe that Maggie’s right, that she’s going to be okay.

***

A couple weeks later, Lena’s over at Kara’s again for a movie night. They’re on the couch, though not cuddling as usual. Kara’s sitting curled into the arm rest on the other side, texting James. She’d squealed halfway through the movie, showing Lena a text he’d sent her.

**James:** _hey kara, can i ask you someth?_

Kara was ecstatic, sure that he liked her too, and had retreated to her corner of the couch to talk to him in peace. Lena’s laying down along the length of the couch, her head resting on the opposite arm rest, trying to be happy for her friend.

But, having recently accepted that she’s crushing on Kara, hard, and that she’s… into girls, it’s proving to be a little hard. Especially with Kara giggling every now and again. Lena tries to distract herself by watching the movie, but with every giggle that Kara gives, it’s like her heart breaks a little, and she’s not even sure what movie they’re watching anymore. She doesn’t _want_ to feel like this, damn it, Kara doesn’t _like_ girls like that, like… like she does, and she should be able to _accept_ that. She’d rather have Kara in her life as her best friend than not at all, and she’s messing that up by letting this _stupid_ jealousy get the better of her. She really needs to get her feelings under control if she –

The next second, Kara launches herself across the couch, landing on top of Lena with her face immediately pressing into Lena’s neck. For a bizarre second, Lena thinks Kara’s shaking because she’s laughing, but then she feels wetness on her neck and _oh shit Kara’s crying._ All her doubts and feelings immediately take a back seat as she wraps one arm around Kara’s waist, and the other up into Kara’s hair, scratching at the base of her neck to try and calm her down.

“Kara? What’s wrong, what happened?”

Kara whimpers in answer and instead of saying anything, shoves her phone in the general direction of Lena’s face. Lena takes it softly before Kara accidentally breaks her nose, and turns the screen towards her. Kara’s conversation with James is still open.

**James:** _hey kara, can i ask you someth?_

**Kara:** _of course, james :)_

**James:** _it’s about a girl_

**Kara:** _oh?_

**James:** _yeah, i really like her_

**Kara:** _are you gonna tell her?_

**James:** _i think so…_

**Kara:** _so what did you wanna ask me then? :)_

**James:** _what are lucy’s fave flowers?_

**Kara:** _lucy?_

**James:** _yeah. i wanna take her flowers and ask if she wants to go to the movies with me, but i wanna give her her favourites_

The conversation ends there, and Lena assumes that Kara read the last message, and then flung herself into Lena’s arms. She puts the phone down on the arm rest and hugs Kara tightly.

“I’m sorry, Kar.”

“I – I really thought he liked me, too.”

“Do you want me to punch him?”

Kara giggles through her tears, and Lena smiles, her goal met. Most of the time all she wants is to see Kara smiling. (The voice in her head scoffs again, and Lena’s pretty sure she’s going to have to say that word soon. At least, to herself.)

“No, he didn’t do anything wrong. And… and Lucy’s – Lucy’s great. It’s okay. Sometimes the people we like don’t like us back, Alex says that’s life.”

“Yeah. I guess it is.” _You have no idea._

“It was just a crush, anyway, and we’re twelve, I’ll get over it. After all, I’ve got you to help me, right?”

Lena’s heart pounds in her chest, and she’s really glad she’s not trying to ignore it anymore, because she thinks at this point it would physically _hurt._ Liking Kara… that doesn’t hurt, even though she knows Kara doesn’t like her back. It’s weird, but she – she _likes_ liking Kara. Kara makes her feel warm and fuzzy just by being her friend, and for now, that’s enough. Just being able to spend time with Kara, to see Kara laugh, the way her eyes light up and the way she squirms when she’s excited. Lena gets to witness all that, she gets to have Kara in her life. Even if she is crushing, right now, just having Kara as her friend? It’s already so much more than she thinks she deserves.

“Yeah, Kar. You’ll always have me.”

“Thanks, Lee. Cuddles?”

“You need cuddles?”

A tear runs down Kara’s cheek.

“Yeah.”

“Then come on, I’ve got you. You’ll be okay.”

Kara settles on top of Lena, and Lena returns her hand to the back of Kara’s head, softly scratching again. Kara hums contentedly.

“Thank you, Lee. I love you.”

Lena presses a kiss to the top of Kara’s head.

“I love you, too.”

***

That night, after Lex comes to pick her up and Lena’s safely behind the door to her room, away from her family, she takes a while to look at herself in the mirror.

She’s getting taller, puberty having hit her a little since she’s almost thirteen. Her hair’s getting super long, and it’s mussed from lying on the couch all night, and she finds that she likes the look. She’s wearing skinny jeans and a green T-shirt, and Vans Kara gave her for her birthday.

(Her mother had stopped controlling what she wears about a year ago – Lillian didn’t have time to go shopping with her anymore, and instead Lena just started getting a clothes allowance to do with as she pleases. She’s been going shopping with Kara and her mom, since Lena and Kara share almost all their clothes anyway.)

Her eyes are shining, and she looks happy for the first time in a long time. Maybe it’s the night spent with Kara, but Lena thinks it’s more than that. That she’s finally learning to love herself, to accept herself for who she is, that’s why she looks happy. She smiles at herself in the mirror, and though it’s shaky, it’s there.

She thinks.

_I like Kara. As more than a friend. I have a crush on Kara. Who’s a girl, like me. I’m a girl who likes girls. Romantically._

She takes a shaky breath, and a step forward. She looks into her own eyes – they’re steely, but they look strong. _She’s_ strong.

Another deep breath.

“I’m – “

She closes her eyes for a second, gathering her courage, and takes another deep breath. She can do this. Maggie said she’s brave – and she is, she is, she is.

She opens her eyes, looks up, and says it.

“I’m gay.”

A tear rolls down her cheek, but there’s a brilliant smile on her face.

“I’m gay.”

(The voice in the back of her mind disappears.)

She’s going to be okay.

***

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I did the mirror thing, too.
> 
> Credit for the "can my beating heart get the message please" line goes to my best friend - you rock, dude :)
> 
> Your feedback gives me life - please leave comments or send stuff to bi-genius on Tumblr. I'm on a six week break, send me prompts!
> 
> Oh, and you'll hear more about this Piper person in the next one-shot (hopefully - that one's giving me some trouble).


End file.
